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How does a woman leave the man who is abusing her?
What is it like for a woman to leave the man who is abusing her? This book presents the stories of ten women as they fought the courts and their abusers to gain safety for themselves and their children. The author demonstrates how courts handle divorce, custody, visitation, support, child abuse, marital property, orders of protection and crimes when domestic violence erupts. He also discusses the common tactics abusers use to maintain control over their partners. The average abused wife makes seven attempts to leave her abuser. Each time she learns more about the resources available. By providing information about how to leave someone who is abusing you, this book makes it easier for women to escape. The brave women described in Scared To Leave, Afraid to Stay all faced serious hardships and threats, but they found there can be a better life. None of them ever chose to go back to a life of violence.
•Scared To Leave, Afraid to Stay shows how ten women left their abusers and what happened to them before, during and after leaving.
•Scared To Leave, Afraid to Stay offers practical advice to women facing the difficulties of domestic violence and helps them find the resources necessary to escape.
•The book answers such questions as: Why do women stay with men who abuse them? What happens to the children? Are judges always reasonable, and is there more they can do to end domestic violence? What causes men to abuse their partners? Don't women also abuse men? And most importantly, how can we end domestic violence?
Barry Goldstein’s new book presents the stories of ten women who fought the courts and their abusers to gain safety for them-selves and their children.
It answers such questions as: Why do women stay with men who abuse them? What happens to the children? Are judges always reasonable, and is there more they can do to end domestic violence? What causes men to abuse their partners? Do women also abuse men? And most importantly, how can we end domestic violence?
The author demonstrates how courts handle divorce, custody, visitation, support, child abuse, marital property, orders of
protection, and crimes when domestic violence erupts. He also discusses common tactics used by abusers to maintain control over their partners.
Scared To Leave, Afraid to Stay offers practical advice to women facing the difficulties of domestic violence and helps them find the resources necessary to escape. The brave women described in this book all faced serious hardships and threats, but they found paths toward better lives. None of them ever chose to go back to a life of violence.
Barry Goldstein has practiced law in New York since 1978. He served on the Board of Directors of My Sisters’ Place, one of the leading domestic
violence agencies in the country for 14 years. He spent four years as Chairperson. As a
result, many domestic violence agencies have referred clients to Mr. Goldstein because he is one of the few lawyers with expertise in
domestic violence and because of his willing-ness to take cases on a pro bono or reduced fee basis. Mr. Goldstein has also worked with the Community Change Project of the Volunteer Counseling Service in Rockland County, New York, since January of 1999 teaching domestic violence classes for men who have been convicted of domestic violence crimes.
Domestic Violence and the Legal System
June 20, 2002
“Society pays a high price in crime, economic loss, and social upheaval for tolerating domestic violence, but the steepest price is to the victims and their families,” writes attorney Barry Goldstein in his recent book. Scared to Leave, Afraid to Stay: Pathways from Family Violence to Safety recounts the stories of Goldstein’s clients, who are survivors of domestic violence, and their sometimes difficult journey navigating the legal system.
The book, told from Goldstein’s point of view, offers insight into the experiences of battered women in the courts. Goldstein has practiced law in New York since 1978 and has been actively involved in domestic violence prevention efforts working with My Sisters’ Place for 18 years. He also has worked with the Community Change Project of the Volunteer Counseling Service in Rockland County, New York, as an instructor teaching domestic violence prevention classes for men.
Battered Women and the Justice System
Pathways tells the stories of ten of Goldstein’s clients who were victims of domestic violence. Through their personal stories, Goldstein sheds light on the legal process and how the courts handle cases involving domestic violence, sexual assault, marital rape and child abuse. The book recounts the women’s experiences as they go through the courts, following the legal process from start to finish. It looks at divorce proceedings, custody hearings and criminal trials.
One chapter tells the story of Karen, a battered woman who flees the state and goes into hiding to escape her abusive husband. While Karen gains her safety, she is forced to leave her daughter in her husband’s custody.
Another chapter focuses on Tammy, a woman who was sexually abused by her brother as a young girl and then later by her husband. Tammy goes through a vicious divorce and, although the court battle has a positive outcome, Tammy is left with high legal bills.
Pathways’ stories also highlight the people involved in domestic violence cases: battered women’s advocates, law enforcement officials, lawyers and particularly judges. Goldstein and his clients frequently encountered judges who did not understand the dynamics of abuse and were insensitive to the needs of victims. “Most judges pride themselves on treating all parties fairly…but judges should remember the difference between fairly and equally. Surprisingly, this distinction is often lost in domestic violence cases,” writes Goldstein.
One of his clients, a woman named Gloria who was abused by her husband and was seeking custody of their son, was yelled at by a judge in court. Gloria “believed that Judge Washington had mistreated her throughout the many proceedings and wanted him off the case…Gloria was also afraid of Judge Washington because he had yelled at her in addition to making unfair decisions. The judge was notorious for his courtroom outburts…but it was especially harmful that he verbally abused victims of domestic violence who came to Family Court for protection,” recounts Goldstein.
Recommendations for the Justice System
Part II of Pathways includes Goldstein’s observations and recommendations on how the legal system can improve its response to domestic violence and better serve battered women and their children. “None of the stories in this book described murder or life-threatening physical injuries, and yet the consequences of the men’s abuse and the court’s failure to respond appropriately are devastating for the women, their families, future generations, and the people who will come in contact with them,” writes Goldstein
Education is the key to improving the court’s response to domestic violence, says Goldstein. Pathways stresses the need for domestic violence training and includes recommendations for the people involved in domestic violence cases, including lawyers, child protective service workers, mental health professionals and judges. Training is particularly important for judges. “Most of the judges described in this book have damaged lives and failed to protect innocent women and children. Many of my clients remain haunted by their abuse at the hands of judges, in some cases more so than by the physical abuse they suffered,” writes Goldstein.
“Despite too many sickening stories,” Goldstein continues, “I believe judges in general are getting better at handling domestic violence cases. When I started practicing 20 years ago, only one or two of the six Family Court judges in Westchester were women. Recently, only one was a man….the increase in women on the Family Court bench suggests that the judges are being selected based upon experience and interest in family law issues instead of a generalized desire to be a judge. Judges are now required to receive training in domestic violence issues. I would like to see more education about these vital topics, particularly sessions run by organizations fighting domestic violence. Such groups should not be viewed as partisan, but as a resource for the courts.”
Information about Scared to Leave, Afraid to Stay: Pathways from Family Violence to Safety is available by calling 914/968-0922 or emailing
barryg78@aol.com
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